The top 10 ways to discredit any uprising in Iran

As the historical, consistent, and periodic uprisings of Iranians against tyranny in their homeland enters a new phase, here are the top 10 ways any such momentous occasion can be instantly discredited and compromised. 

1. Have US President Donald Trump tweet his support for the Iranian people and their struggles for freedom and democracy. Then have his UN ambassador Nikki Halley follow up with a call for an emergency session of the Security Council to discuss Iran – the very same council she berated when it voted against Trump’s decision to recognise Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.

There is absolutely no single more effective act of unsurpassed hypocrisy and deceit to discredit the momentum of the uprising instantly and make the demonstrators think twice before they seek to dismantle the power of their clerical tormentors.

2. Place Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu behind a desk with his back to a gaudy cliche library and tape him sending a message of support and solidarity to the Iranian people and their magnificent culture and love for the Zionist brand of freedom and justice. Make sure the Israeli Orientalists teach him how to drop a few Persian words here and there, and watch Iranian demonstrators gag and throw up as they run towards the nearest mosque to join the Revolutionary Guard to defend their homeland against the Saudi-Zionist alliance and forget about any protest. 

3. Have Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman pay for a short animation about how he and his army are invading Iran and liberating Iranians. You will see how Iranians protesting in their streets break into their favourite national dance to the tune of “Baba Karam” and forget about any revolutionary aspirations.

4. Have Kasra Naji of the BBC’s Persian service show up on the BBC World News and offer his juvenile delinquent prose and politics as analysis of what is happening in Iran. Any decent, intelligent human being in opposition to the clerical regime will have an instant and uncontrollable case of viral stomach upset and rush to the nearest toilet for relief, forgetting all about any revolutionary idea that may have crossed his mind.

5. Have Haaretz run two or three stories a day explaining why thousands of Iranians have taken to the streets, cherry-picking slogans that dovetail with their liberal Zionist hogwash to make the region safe for their settlers’ colony. Those articles are sure to boil the blood of Iranian demonstrators and make them forget about any notion of democracy. They will surely be joining the next anti-Israeli demonstrations organised by their ruling regime. 

6. Make sure Fox News unleashes its stellar yellow journalism on the uprising, depicting Iran as the next Promised Land Donald Trump is going to give to Christian Zionists. 

7. Increase the State Department fund the US allocated for regime change in Iran and accelerate the generous distribution of these funds among expatriate Iranian journalists, unemployed academics, and silly comedians.    

8. Have the National Iranian American Council (NIAC) keep up their useless rhetoric. As a Washington-based lobby tasked with the promotion of “Iranian-American” interests, NIAC is no match for AIPAC but they are still young and have high hopes. Their brand of yuppie neoliberalism and cosy location in Washington would surely rub a vast segment of the Iranian working class the wrong way and make them think twice before they lend a hand to a revolutionary mobilisation that NIAC seeks to make palatable to their Washington audiences.  

9. Make sure all followers of the Mujahedeen-e-Khalq (MEK) – the notorious Islamist cult of Maryam Rajavi bankrolled by the Saudis and blessed by the Israelis to wreak havoc in Iran – clumsily seek to fuel the flame of protests in Iran over the internet. Then see how Iranians pause and wonder if they really want to see Maryam Rajavi as their next president. 

10. Have Mr Reza Pahlavi reiterate his half-baked aspirations to go back and reclaim his father’s throne in Iran. As a useful idiot, he would be instrumental in reminding Iranians of the tyranny of his father and grandfather and put the criminal atrocities of the Islamic Republic in historical perspective. 

Now, against all these ways to discredit any uprising in Iran, there is only one sure way to restore legitimacy to it and rekindle the revolutionary flame against tyranny: Invite a cheerleader for the Islamic Republic, like Mohammad Marandi, on Al Jazeera and give him the podium to play back his broken record of how utterly splendid everything is in his La La Land. Do not interrupt the Orwellian newspeak he was so rushed to rehearse that he forgot to shave properly before he sat in front of the camera.

You’ll see the demonstrators rush back in the street smashing every window and burning every picture that reminds them of his sparse beard.  

The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect Al Jazeera’s editorial policy.